Self-compassion: how to speak to ourselves when we make mistakes

Imagine a close friend phones you: they have made a mistake at work and feel bad. What would you say? Perhaps: "It happens. Everyone makes mistakes. What can you do now?" Now think about what you say to yourself when you make a mistake. For many people the inner voice is much harsher: "How did I not see it? I always do this."

What self-compassion is

In 2003 the American psychologist Kristin Neff described self-compassion as an attitude towards oneself with three parts:

• Self-kindness, instead of harsh judgement: speaking to yourself with understanding when you suffer or fail.
• Common humanity, instead of isolation: remembering that mistakes and difficulties are part of every human life, not something that happens only to you.
• Mindfulness, instead of being swallowed by pain: accepting the feeling as it is, without denying it and without drowning in it.

What studies show

Since then self-compassion has been widely studied. In 2012 Angus MacBeth and Andrew Gumley combined data from 20 samples in 14 studies. They found a strong association: people with more self-compassion reported less depression, anxiety and stress. The association was large by the standards of psychology.

It should be said clearly that these are mainly correlational studies: they show that two things go together, not that one causes the other. Intervention studies, in which people learn self-compassion, are fewer, but many of them show promising results.

Harshness towards ourselves looks like responsibility. Often it is just fear dressed in the clothes of discipline.

It is not weakness

Many people fear that if they are gentle with themselves they will become lazy or excuse their mistakes. But self-compassion does not mean saying "it does not matter". It means saying "it matters, and that is exactly why I will try to put it right, without destroying myself". When you are not afraid of your own judgement, it is easier to admit a mistake and learn from it.

Self-compassion is not high self-esteem either. Self-esteem often depends on success and comparison with others; self-compassion is present precisely when you fail.

A short exercise

1. Pause the next time you criticise yourself harshly, and notice the words you use.
2. Acknowledge the feeling: "This is a difficult moment."
3. Remember others: "Other people feel this way too when they make mistakes."
4. Speak as to a friend: "What do I need now? What can I do as a first step?"

At first it may feel artificial. That is normal: the harsh voice has had years of practice, the gentle one has only just begun.