How do you react when someone tells you good news? Why it matters more than you think

The research of Shelly Gable and colleagues (2004) on four ways of responding, why the "active-constructive" response strengthens relationships and how to practise it

2 min read

Translated from the Albanian original by the editors. Shqip

Download PDF Share
Illustration: voices answering each other, a symbol of how we respond to good news
Original illustration by the lexoshpejt editors. Not a historical photograph or object.
Settings

Line spacing

Typeface

Appearance

Imagine your partner, a friend or your child tells you: "I got into the course I wanted!" How do you respond? You may have given this little thought. But psychologists have found that our reaction to other people's good news has an important influence on relationships.

Capitalisation

When we tell others about something good that has happened to us, psychologists call this "capitalisation": we add to the value of the event by sharing it. Studies have shown that sharing good news is linked with more positive emotions, beyond the event itself. But this depends on how the other person reacts.

Four ways of responding

In 2004 Shelly Gable and her colleagues described four response styles. Let us look at them with the example of the news about the course:

  • Active and constructive: "That's great! I knew how much you wanted it. How did you find out? When does it start?" Genuine interest, questions, enthusiasm.
  • Passive and constructive: "Good, congratulations", and the conversation moves on to something else. Lukewarm support, without attention.
  • Active and destructive: "But who will look after the house? That course is very hard." A focus on problems.
  • Passive and destructive: "Oh. Do you know what happened to me today?" Ignoring the news.

In their studies of couples, only the active and constructive style was linked with more satisfying relationships, more trust and more intimacy. The other styles, including lukewarm support, were linked with worse outcomes. Also, how partners responded to good news was as important as, sometimes more important than, how they responded to bad news.

When you are sincerely glad for someone, they feel seen. And the feeling of being seen is one of the foundations of any bond.

Care with sincerity

An active-constructive response does not mean faked enthusiasm. People spot that easily. The aim is genuine curiosity: to ask, to listen and to let the other person relive the moment.

How to practise it

  1. Stop what you are doing when someone tells you good news. Take your eyes off the phone.
  2. Ask questions: "How did it happen? How did you feel? What does it mean for you?"
  3. Express your joy in concrete words, not just "good".
  4. Leave worries for later. If you have a practical question, it can wait for another conversation.
  5. Try it for a week with the people closest to you and notice how conversations change.

Sources and further reading

  1. Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. PubMed
  2. Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G. C. & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 904–917. PubMed

Read on